I'm not a bastard anymore!

This was a summer of many changes! My parents and my sister combined forces, or savings rather, to become first-time home-owners, and Daly City-zens! It took months of debate, really: In the city? Brand new condo? HOA dues? In-law unit? Rec room? Fitness center? Parking? Muni? Bart? Budget!?!

Ultimately, my dad fell in love with this little pink corner house nearby Daly City’s Westlake plaza, sold by the family of a recently deceased elderly woman who lived alone. Barred windows, musty pink carpet, and an odd half-story lay out – my dad and his army of helpers worked tirelessly to turn this one bathroom into two, refinish the foundation of beautiful wood flooring, achieve a millions coats of flawless assortment of off-white paints and install a brand new beige carpet. With a brand new kitchen in the planning stages and my parents making a slow move, we will soon be good to go!

Our new mission, however, is furnishing the place! We have a supremely Chinese dining room with the Auntie Hazel’s dark cherry China Cabinet with matching dining table, Uncle Henry’s house warming gift from the Philippines (12 Inch statues of the Chinese Gods - Fook Look So,) and Uncle Toby’s donation of a set of four shell carvings into floral artworks. My dad, first and foremost, purchased a television stand for his flat screen - which he has since decided is 1) not big enough and 2) should be mounted above the fireplace instead. We all concurred.

I lied. My dad, first and foremost, picked up a bed frame he saw while driving his SF Muni bus, the 31-Balboa, and quickly called for reinforcements to collect from the curb. My dad, second of all, hung his old lady curtains with vignettes with little rope ties to hold them aside. My mother finicky-ly selected brand new pieces for her dark cherry themed bedroom. Finally, my sister’s temporary residency filled the empty home with a sofa, shelf and other handy things.

I will take an interior design class, eventually to jazz up the place. My only contribution to our new home, thus far, has been removing the four feral kittens born in our backyard! But soon enough a washer dryer, new sofa, or massage chair will join the family.

Back pedaling to July, the paperwork of a new house lead to conversations around my parent’s legitimizing their relations – at least in the eyes of the state. We closed escrow and my sister turned 30 – my dad drunkenly announced that he has “Finally agreed to let [my mother] marry him.” Of course my mother’s gang of sisters forced him to one knee for a proper proposal and my diamond diva aunt assisted him with selecting a most beautiful diamond ring.

Now, wedding plans were a hot mess and we pretty much spent our every dime on the house. Since I was expecting a 23rd birthday in the monstrous Las Vegas – I invited my parents to join the cheap festivities and to get hitched in an Elvis style shot-gun wedding (that they really should have had 23 years ago…) The wedding plans grew, of course, from 30 guests to a whopping 70, so we naturally had to provide a Las Vegas style show! As a bridesmaid, I got dressed like Princess Peach while the rest of the gang looked like cotton candy (the color of it after being licked wet.) So many of us flew to Las Vegas to witness the 15-minute ceremony in which my dad was unable to avow his faithfulness – it was great. We receptioned on the 50th floor in a 900-square-foot Wynn suite to Costco snacks and a cute two-layered wedding cake and the gang ate their hearts out at the Rio Seafood Buffet.

My absence was excused but really I enjoyed a stroll down the strip in my tooth fairy Halloween costume arm in arm with the love of my life. We sneakily devised a plan to ensure entry to Las Vegas’ Hot Spot – XS Nightclub in the Wynn. The fellas caught an earlier free ride from my aunt and uncle, passing around a Jack and Coke in a Supersized McDonalds cup to get drunk, quickly. On the flip side, the ladies randomly caught the hummer limo after hanging back for a photo shoot in our tiaras that contradicted with our Halloween costumes.

Memorable mentions of the weekend – my beloved guardian is 1) back! And 2) came out for 5 hours of fun before returning to LA and work the next morning, my big sis (Tau) we wheel chaired out of the night club to be inspected by a medic, and the rest of us hung out with UNCLE TOBY!!! Yikes!

Turning 23, of course, was not a huge bit to celebrate. Honestly, I’ve been lying and saying I’m 23 for months before just to not be 22 anymore. 22 was the worst! I’m in a much better place in my life and excited for whatever changes this year may bring – which I hope and pray are aplenty!

Opportunities & Resource Fair

The Office of Economic and Workforce Development is inviting local businesses, educational institutions and community based organizations to attend an opportunities and resources fair we will be hosting for our youth ages 16 - 24 who have just graduated from our 6 week employment program and are looking towards next steps in their career path. It's a great opportunity for you to market your business, recruit new hires, and support your community.

For more information, please contact (415) 202-7944 or Michelle Wong at mwong@jcyc.org.

You can register for the event by clicking here.

Summer Youth Employment Program, Michelle speaking...

check it. call 415 202 7944, that's what you'll get. Following my gasp of excitement, crossing of my fingers and contracting of my cheek muscles for the huge smile because someone, anyone, might be returning our phone call with some good news: "We would love to have interns!"

I haven't blogged in ages but I forget that I should be using this portal to assist our rigorous outreach efforts. Now I will, accordingly:

Thanks to the Workforce Investment Act and Federal Recovery grant money, The Office of Economic and Workforce Development has the funding to provide several hundred youth with jobs this summer. The initiative, San Francisco Bridges to Success, will serve 16-18 year old youth with up to 80 hours of paid work experience for the remainder of the summer (concluding August 13) to explore careers in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. We invite workplaces that fall under those career fields to take advantage of the temporary subsidized workers by becoming a worksite!

These interns are of no cost to you because they will be employed and paid through our office. It's basically a way to lend you an extra hand for entry level or easily teachable projects around the office in exchange for valuable job experience that will increase the employability of San Francisco youth.

Interested in becoming a worksite? Call 415 202 7944, for sheezy. hiresfyouth@jcyc.org

Wisdom Teeth Extraction

They really make it seem as though it’s a mandatory procedure, inescapably necessary! Not like they’re making 2.5k from this less than an hour-long procedure. That’s not their motivation, not at all.

So it goes, my dentist has told me several a times that this needed to be done, the pressure on my teeth were ruining my alignment, why didn’t I do it yet, excuse me, you must do it RIGHT NOW! I would typically believe them, like the time they told me to get braces (thought I never did go through with that,) however, I read Steven Levitt & Stephen Dubner’s Freakonomics this past summer and impressionably grew skeptical of those that defend our teeth! You see, extrapolating from the authors’ theories about expert knowledge, I believe that the dentist refers me to the oral surgeon, who, even if I don’t need the procedure, will say I do because if they say I don’t, then the hurts the dentists credibility. If the oral surgeon turns them away, why would the dentist continue to send the oral surgeon his clients? In exchange, the dentist gets the good will of the oral surgeon, and therefore a recommendation in their network.

Who stands to lose? After all, we pay for the insurance to do these sorts of things. The receptionist encourages, “Your under your dads insurance right?, So you get an alottment of $2500 for dental work that expires and renews in July… If you don’t use it, you’ll lose the money anyway.” From this argument alone, I ponder whether I suffer tonsilolith and if I should use the $2500 towards this ear-throat-nose procedure.

So I’m nearing July and of course I want to take advantage of this money. During my consultation, which costs a whopping $200 already, I felt pressured to accept general anesthesia (of course it costs $400 compared to the $170 laughing gas local anesthesia.) I resist with the argument, “But you told my cousin that most people don’t like it because it makes people gag as they sleepily swallow the blood?” He’s pushy, and soon enough I’m walking out the door with a $2500 invoice, a hand full of drugs, $225 co-pay, and a plan to biopsy the mole on my lip!

On February 11th, I’m on the first flight back to San Francisco, early BART & Muni home, 30 minutes of shut-eye and on the way to my 10:30 AM oral surgery! The doctor and assistants quickly hassle me down to the seat, strap me to the IV and I’m out in time to wake up! I can’t move my entire mouth, tongue or lips, and the nurse is strapping ice packs to my cheeks. They instruct my dad the prescription and the take my credit card.

The very next day: I’m off to my meeting with Braelan from the Greenlining Institute and then to my first day at my internship at Center for Asian American Media. I know, I know, I’m a trooper… But it was NOT cute.

Healed and well two months later, I receive a phone call regarding my bill. My insurance did not go through and I may have to pay through the nose, please provide more information regarding my dad’s insurance. Blasphemy! I would not have carried out the procedure were I not insured! After upsetting my father with the news, following his Muni lay off, I called the office back with a piece of my mind – just kidding – those pieces of information they requested. The woman on the phone – yes, she did not know what I was talking about. My insurance remains pending.

Furthermore, I receive a bill from Rand Laboratories (or something like that). I call, “What in the world is this for?” Apparently, a hidden cost to my oral-surgeon-pressured cosmetic surgery procedure: they sent a sample of the said mole to a lab, unbeknownst to me, and are charging me for something, I was NEVER aware of. I haven’t responded to their notices, though perhaps I should soon.

That’s my story. I do not advise.

Active Voice & Agent Orange

Back in Los Angeles, I received a call from the team at Active Voice, an organization who’s presence in my life predates this blog, asking for a bit of research assistance for their latest endeavor… a social media campaign for awareness of agent orange and its resonating aftermath in Vietnam. Agent Orange is the name of the dioxin used by American efforts during the Vietnam War. It continues to harm our veterans as well as their civilians by causing deformations and cancers in war civilians and their offspring. My mission was to research five successful social media campaigns - what they did and how they did it, from production to budget to distribution.

The digging was an enjoyable learning experience that I’d like to share here. The social media campaigns in question, and my description of them, were:

UNICEF’s believing in zero campaign – Accordingly, 24,000 children die of preventable disease or poor living conditions and UNICEF uses celebrities in their broadcasted PSA and blogs to encourage donations and petition support, asking Congress to provide more funding to UNICEF to fulfill their mission of turning that 24,000 deaths into zero. I’ve seen this ad on TV, which didn’t strike a nerve as much as this research did. Though the petition has passed, and they’ve posted about considerable reduction results, the awareness mission doesn’t stop there.



Nike’s Girl Effect - Nike, despite sweatshop controversy, uses simple text to explain that by investing in just one girl (they use cases in Ethiopia and Bangladesh), by giving her a cow or an education, she will be able to improve the overall condition of her community, city, state, country, and the world. This refers to girls in developing countries that don’t have access to education because of prearranged marriages or fear of rape on the far off commute. It’s funny because some lamizoid comments something along the lines of “girls and guys have equal opportunity in this world, why are girls always asking for hand outs.” He got a mouthful of responses, as deserved. Anyway, the video made me really value my time at the YGC girls unit and I hope that I can inspire a girl to better her community and influence others likewise.

Charity Water – I must say this project is so impressive. A couple years ago, founder Scott Harrison cancels his birthday and asks that all monetary gifts and his birthday party fund go to building a well to provide clean water to those who don’t have access to it. Their PSA stars Jennifer Garner in New York, a mother taking an empty gasoline tank to get her water supply from the pond in central park. She then serves the murky water to her children. That is the reality to a lot of developing communities but a hundred times worse. I watched many of the videos on the Charity Water website that show how far they must travel just to get that water and what the water looks like. Charity Water’s mission is to get you (and me) to follow suit – cancel our birthday and build a well instead on the basis that 20 dollars gives one person water for life. The most beautiful part is that your donation in full goes toward building the water well and the organizations expenses are funded by grants and sponsorships.

Invisible Children – This campaign is the most familiar to me because of its overwhelming support and presences at UCLA. The story goes, three aspiring filmmakers travel to Uganda and discover the children running from the army recruitment (which sounds awful in those terms) because it is the driving force for the countries evil leader! It reminds me a lot of the Blood Diamond story, where the kids are kidnapped and brainwashed to kill, and are treated as disposable in return. This project has been going on for so many years so that now the saved kids that can now be called “visible grownups” are coming to the US to promote the campaign and demonstrate its successes. Its great! Now a nonprofit, Invisible Children draws its strength from staging large scale publicity events that call for volunteers to stay overnight in their city’s downtown district, much like the Ugandan children, and demand political leaders and celebrities rescue them.

Enough Project’s Come Clean for Congo – I don’t know how much attention this garnered because I’ve never heard of it, but apparently the Enough Project, serving as a project of the Center for American Progress, got enough support from Citizen Tube and audiences to ask Obama how he intends to increase pressure on the Sudanese regime to end the violence over conflict minerals (tin, tuxton, and tantalon) in the Congo. The videos make it clear that they don’t expect us to stop using our cell phones, where the conflict minerals are commonly used, rather they’d like us to use our conflict mineral machines to pressure congress and the US Government and United Nations to facilitate peace in Sudan.

Watch and enjoy, they’ll change your life!

Home away from home – Los Angeles & Las Vegas

It was a personal trip, of course. The only thing there is really to say about my professional growth is my lunch with Daniela because it was there that I discovered that my entire website will need to be redone, again! Apparently, it is best practice to work in divs and not in tables, which explains why my website loads so blockily. Unfortunately, the redesign is a project I do not have time to learn right now, but it will need to be done.

The trip to Las Vegas was also one of pleasure, in celebration of the Chiu Family February birthdays and the surprise engagement of my big cousin Kristina to the tall dark and handsome Brian Keates! Look out for my new project will be to produce a website and other materials for this event. Though Brian thinks it is a silly thing that their wedding would ever need marketing; of course people will be lining up around the block to see this lovely couple pronounce their love. Our successful girls night out crossed paths with the flava of love, himself! I also enjoyed the operatic Phantom, Las Vegas experience in the beautiful Venetian theater!

Introducing the Center for Asian American Media

So, here I am on the road, er in the air again - I should say. It’s been a long time since I’ve written and with very good reason! I can’t decide whether I’ll write all the things I’ve been up to in one entry or cheatingly back date my entries. I guess the posting will tell, soon enough. I am always thinking about what I am going to write though, so here is the line up, chronologically:

Center for Asian American Media

Active Voice

Wisdom Teeth

Youth Works

The Beat

I did drop off the face of the Earth because of a personal emotional roller coaster, which I did blog about and post briefly - those night owls out there may have caught it, but the live version is much better and the feature film will be great too. Inspired by those recent turn of events, (exactly an whole month ago!), I jumped my job search in full gear and secured the paper work to transfer my aunt’s car title to my name, for use while she was away. The deal was I get to keep it under the condition I don’t get it stolen again or name it something stupid like Fred.

Job Searching: I set on a two-pronged strategy approach. I read somewhere (a book I perused through at Borders, apologies for not remembering/crediting that information) that online searching yields only a 10% success rate, taking an unnecessary toll on one’s self esteem, whereas networking bumps it up to 72%. (I like those odds.) I set about organizing my online search, which has been strictly idealist and Craigslist, saving postings I find by submission deadline and then assigning myself to do one each day. Then I made it a to-do to write to those I had crossed paths with, which involved a bit of research about each of them.

Researching one of them, I am now drawing a blank as to who it actually was, I landed on the job forum on the Bay Area Video Coalition’s website. There, I found exciting media related opportunities, particularly an internship at the Center for Asian American Media (CAAM). Actually, months ago a friend told me to look into this organization, she loved them. The development internship promised event planning, corporate/donor relations, and graphic design practice for their SF International Asian American Film Festival this month. Although the deadline had passed, I submit a tailored resume/cover letter and received a call early the next day.

The next day was really funny actually. Shattered, I woke up at 9 am with the proactive change of heart on the day of my aunt and uncles 3 month cruise departure. Within 20 minutes, their car title was transferred to my name (a plan I deemed unnecessary just two days prior.) At 10 am, we took my uncle to his doctor appointment, at noon to radiology – there I received the call. The team had been so impressed with my resume that they might have another opportunity for me. Great! I’m thinking maybe a paid position. When can you come in for an interview? Today? Great! I took the bus home, prepped, and arrived early for my meeting with the Devo team. That night, I posted my graphic designs on the print section of my website for them to see. I left for Los Angeles that Friday morning. See next post! :)

Love Chemistry - Karmeisha Edwards

me and you together

love chemistry

which means to me

true love

we have true chemistry

like science

i love the way you say my name

and call me mommy and babe

that's love chemistry

the way we made love

that drove me crazy

especially the way you kissed me

that was just right

and the way i kissed you

love chemistry

you is my backbone

and be on my brain

all the time

as the days and years go by

i am losing my mind

and wish you was right here

by my side

that is

love chemistry

we is like bonnie & clyde

and romeo & juliet

i love you

you love me

that's love chemistry

she sent chills down my spine when she read this. smiles.

SF YouthWorks Career Exposure Event

In high school, I enjoyed the services of a local program called SF Youth Works, under the Japanese Community Youth Council. They provide inner city youth with internships in city agencies; I interned at the Assessor Recorder Office of Mabel S. Teng, printing and mailing marriage certificates to gay and straight couples. It was a glorious time; the line out the door, there was cake, music, dancing, and flowers, Rosie O'Donnell's speaking in the rotunda, and a visit from Reverend Jesse Jackson! But that is besides the point. SF Youth Works also hosted workshops for their kids to learn about the issues they're faced with and how to address them. Today, the program focuses on professional growth by presenting them with more options than the traditional four year college track.

In September, I came back to San Francisco with a response to their search for a Placement Specialist. They recommended I build up my youth development experience by volunteering with them and they'll reconsider me in June.

Which is how I ended up... at their Career Exposure Event,... as the sandwich lady.

The event featured speakers in five different fields: Law, Engineering, Creative Arts, Health, and Business/Politics. After sandwich duty, I was assigned to fill the sessions with few people (the rain cut the attendance from 80 to 25!) I first sat through the 45 minute session about Law. We sat with women from: the Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights, the Public Defenders Office, and a Paralegal for a firm specializing in paternal custody battles. They went over their career paths, the type of work they do, the difference between civil and criminal law, and as always, stressed that the field of law is not limited to only becoming a lawyer.

It was a cool classroom environment, we sat in a circle so the discussion could flow naturally. There were only four students to the three speakers. I found the woman from the Office of Civil Rights to be the most unexpected speaker because I suppose I too am guilty of, one, never thinking about civil law and two, never seeing its place in the education! She said they battle discrimination in school policies. The most interesting question of the evening came from this sloppy young man in the nice kicks. He asked how she felt about privatization of education, since its a right not a privilege. I was taken aback by the question, but she handled it honestly - later discovering this kid was one of the very few YouthWorks participants that attends private school. Hard to believe.

I got the opportunity to chat it up with the speakers in between sessions - a High School passing period if you will. I was most interested in this woman because she did reintroduce the idea of law school. It wasn't until the second session, Business and Government, that I really put my mind back into it. I did want to slide over to the woman from the Public Defenders office, running the intern program there is a good connection to make. But I found no such opportunity, returned to my sandwiches and decided, I would not be so hesitant to network in the next round.

As I walked to the second session, I saw one of the speakers, sitting on the staircase on the phone. I thought she did not want to be there with such a small turn out. The session began without her and the other two women, younger, both mention that there was some subject matters that the outside woman could answer much better than they. The first woman, a talker, told her story about successfully managing a million dollar property, not wanting to go to college, and then hitting the glass ceiling. She went to SFSU, studied anything for a B.A. and now is a political consultant, or something like that. She says that anytime you see people on the street asking you to sign a petition, she put them there (really? thanks!) The next woman's story aligned with my thoughts, talking about the fears of following a path that you think you should stay on because you're on it and doing it well. She dropped everything and went to law school with no intention of becoming a lawyer and, really that's how I feel. But if you aren't becoming a lawyer, what on Earth are you doing? She serves on the legal counsel for the Greenlining Institute, helping people of color and immigrants with such issues. She's doing what I'm imagining - taking something that you can do well and doing it for good.

The last lady rolled in and opened with explaining her phone call - a woman and child were put on the street because of domestic abuse, and as Executive Director of the Commission on the Status of Women, she comes to the rescue. Her story was very odd; a lot of different types of school, her dad wanted her to be something and she was on that track for a while, she worked abroad and in the White House. Her words of advice... "Give yourself 10 years" really vocalized what I had been thinking all along. There are so many different jobs/positions out there for so many different industries, I don't believe that all of those people in positions we've never heard of could have foreseen being such. I've never heard of a lot of these positions or thought about how roles differ by industry. For example, we've heard of "consultants" as a job title... but there are so many different kinds of consultants to meet each industries needs. Anyway, if not 10 years, why not more... I'm comforted in the fact that I don't need to know. right. now.

I approached her after the session with a maybe rude but direct question. "You have no background in Women interest groups... how did you get appointed by the mayor to serve such a high ranking position?" She mentioned her work in DC, her network, people knew of her interest... I told her about my consideration in government, especially in our local government, my mom's role in the Mayor's Disability Council, asked if she served on such a council and moved up... I told them all about my distressing job search, freelancing, and my ultra loaded resume. It was enough to strike the special attention of one woman, get on the job board email list of another, and schedule three meetings.

As I thanked YouthWorks for letting me help them, the director approached me with a proposition. Temporary part-time administrative assistance to JCYC. I happily accepted anything that would keep me in their consideration. The money will be enough to get me to Los Angeles and back once in a while.

In conclusion, networking - what a magical thing.

Hello 2010

A little late, I know. At first I thought turning 22 was unlucky - turns out it was 2009!

Lets recap on 2009 - my car got stolen. Twice.

Though there's a lot more, but I think that sums it up best. I guess it was more the second half of the year. I kept getting smashed at work, felt distant from my roommates, disconnected from Taus, and started fighting with Edward. & then came Dax.

I left Los Angeles and tried to find myself in thought in Singapore. Returned home to the solitude that is my bed. To me, San Francisco is my lonely city, where I didn't have many friends before and those I kept, moved on in my absence. I entertained myself with trips and things, most notably my Ondoy Relief project. I turned 22 & my world spiraled, collapsed, and sunk. The rejection of job searching left self esteem so low I just wanted to hide under the covers - and this I did. My family stood together in support of each other & I ran away many times. Sir Edward came home.

I know that a new year doesn't mean anything is different, but it does wonders to the mentality. I spent new years eve at the Hynson's sending out my resume & cover letter to prospects. With Sir Ed's dwindling patience with me, it was clear I needed to be my own - and in this city.

Because Blair Waldorf does not go back to Constance. With time, she will take over NYU with the loving support of Chuck Bass. (I'm only on Season 3, Episode 5. Please don't spoil it.)

So 2010, (it's twenty-ten, grammatically correct) which, just had to start with more fighting and retreating of course. My resolution being, rebuild my San Francisco life. So there I sat through Invictus, sandwiched between my favorite joe shmoes: a new-we're-so-happy couple to my left and harassment-central to my right. The week ended with the typical father being disappointed in me speech - for being unemployed, for thinking I should work in a field that makes me happy, for worrying about money. Correction: it really ended with me flying back to Los Angeles.

I had a marvelous week. I arrived just in time for the Zeta Phi Rho rush club party at Fu's Palace and rendezvoused with sisters, friends - old & new, & girlfriends. Shopped with two girliest of girls, freeloaded hotdogs and education, playdated with Thump Thump, sipped on Sober Sunday stories, and participated in a sickening drinking study for $50 - all the while freelancingly developing my contract work with Active Voice in consulting for their Have You Heard Campaign. I got the wire to go home for an interview with The Asia Foundation, and set up a meeting with the senior editor of The Beat Within.

My first day with The Beat Within

I shiver to the beat of her boots as they echo down the brightly lit hollowed halls. I imagine the alarms sounding, orange suits maneuvering through the badged jungle, throwing garbage cans, setting fires, murder by pen stabbings - spilling through the sequence of heavy duty doors that surround me. Too much 24, I decide, as we walk into unit 2 of the San Francisco Juvenile Detention Center.

The boys are just finishing up the cleaning chore after dinner, a trio fill a table with a beat, lyrics, and melody, filling the room with their song. Four quad tables and the now-closed kitchen window sit before the 2 layers of of heavy duty doors, these with a small window an alternative opening. The 13 young men assemble to their seat, unclear if assigned, and I hesitate to sit in the seat in front of me with the only two chinese boys in the unit but I'm waved to do so. The woman in boots recites the rules of the beat and has the boys read the topics. Her attempt to prompt discussion and understanding fails when she asks one guy to tell the group about his grandmother - "She's old" turns into "I thought he said she's a hoe."

I introduce myself aloud, responses were "You go to UCLA?" and "Oh, I went to Wallenberg!" I stay quietly at my table and listen to the Chinese boys around me talk about how one could have been more successful in his theft of the Apple Store. I don't respond, but if I were to, I would say, "That's dumb, I got in trouble for just unplugging one of their lap tops!" I do not know if they would care to hear that. I move on to the next table to introduce myself to another facilitators. I kept thinking, these type of kids didn't even want to talk to me in highschool, let alone college, why would they want to talk to me now? What on earth am I going to talk to them about? "This is not what I imagined this place to be like, at all!" I proclaim. The only kid at the table looks up at me, "You was expecting bars huh?" and the girl smiles. As we talk, I catch a glimpse of his bright yellow paper, "So you're writing about the elders topic or the judging topic?" Both, he tells a story about his great grandmother being kicked in the face by her teacher in post integrated Mississippi. The kid attends Lowell High School, hates the harshness of their grading system, and loves math. I'm constantly reminded, "They have some really good kids in here" and this was the moment I realized that.

I find the courage to consider moving to the table I had been afraid of but the laughing kids are covering their noses with their shirt collars - someone farted or smells. "I was gonna come over there but now I'm not so sure," I shout. I move to another table and tell the kid, "You look like a friend of mine, you don't know him - he's a teacher in LA." The facilitator grabs my attention; it's time to move to the girl's unit.

"I was just getting comfortable", I tell her as we return to the hallway that had originally terrified me. She definitely noticed.

The girl's unit is another different fear to conquer. I sit at the table across from the facilitator, aside two young women, for a more personalized introduction before the remaining girls assemble. I learn their names and their court dates - a very important topic in these halls. Since she is expecting to be out of there soon, she wants to make sure we could send her copy of The Beat to her home. She treasures the latest issue so much that she removed a book from her collection (max. 4 books) to make room for The Beat.

I stand so their friend can take a seat. The facilitator begins with the same shpeal as I sign us in and distribute materials. The girls at another table giggle as they shivere from cold. I overhear them ask for the heat to be turn on and the center staff told them that they share a vent with the adjacent boys unit who quickly turns the thermostat back down. I chime in, "That's how me and my sister are. We shared a room for a couple days and I kept waking up to turn the air on, and she kept waking up to turn it back off. It was like that all night!" They giggle and I sit with them as others read the topics aloud.

A girl across the room hands in her work before anyone even starts, "Can I get The Beat now?" I walk over to her table, "Do you mind if I read yours?" The other girl at the table laughs hysterically as I'm reading. She writes about the first time she did pills, went to a party and was nearly taken advantage of by guys. I suppose she has a humorous intention by concluding, "I try to stop because I know I should but I can't." As if I understand that she is trying to be funny, "This sounds like a TV show..." (an episode of the OC actually, but why would I admit that?) The laughing girl insists on reading again for the laugh and pique the interest of the other girls.

I move back to the first table where they are excited to share what they had so far. They express conversations with God, thoughts of their lover, and their hard times in the halls through poetry. One girl has a boyfriend in one of the units there and they are able to communicate through the beat and through mail. One girl's parents came to visit her. I table hop.

The original giggling-shivering-girls is where I spend most of my time there. It was definitely colder at their table. I sit waiting for an opportunity to chime in, as I do at every table. I hear their rave about North Dakota, and stop them right there.

me: North Dakota??? What the hell is there to do in North Dakota?!

girl 1: It's crackin' if you know people out there. I know this one guy with a farm.. well we got them here too but there, we be diggin' out of the manure & lett'm dry. It's gross but you know that's where they grow from.

me: I guess it's fresh...? Ew that's gross, then you eat it?

girl 2: With chocolate!

Here, I'm thinking, what a place to exchange information for illegal activity! I learned about the neighborhood groups and where to by drugs in so short a time. I change the subject back to the project at hand, without being 'one of them, "Can I see what your writing about?" The third topic - a time you got kicked out. My jaw drops at her story. Pregnant at 13! This isn't her first time incarcerated but she defends that she has her life on track as the other girl accused her of otherwise. I encourage her to write what she could and I leave to join the facilitator in our last minutes of the workshop.

She hands me a story written by a girl with beautiful hair. Wearing a particular color in a particular neighborhood, she was nearly shot, beaten, stabbed, and robbed. Luckily friends nearby prevented more damage. The girl next to her wants someone to listen to her story. Jumped by a pregnant woman and an accomplice, she refused to fight against a pregnant woman that took no mercy. One of two best friends jumped in to help, the other deserves repercussions for not helping, she says. "I have many a ex-best friends for the same reasons, thats not enough reason to start more shit." "There's more to it," she says with no time to finish. The facilitator is already holding her things and waving to me to walk out the door. Many girls shout, "What unit are you going to next? Tell so-and-so I said what's up!"

"You're a born natural," she says as we walk out of the hollow halls.

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The Beat Within’s mission is to provide incarcerated youth with consistent opportunity to share their ideas and life experiences in a safe space that encourages literacy, self-expression, some critical thinking skills, and healthy, supportive relationships with adults and their community. Outside of the juvenile justice system, The Beat Within partners with community organizations and individuals to bring resources to youth both inside and outside of detention. We are committed to being an effective bridge between youth who are locked up and the community that aims to support their progress towards a healthy, non-violent, and productive life.

The Beat Within is a division of Pacific News Service dbaNew America Media. NAM's youth divisions -- The Beat Within, YO! Youth Outlook, YO! TV, Silicon Valley De-Bug, The Know and Roaddawgz -- create writings, illustrations and multimedia content that provide a window into youth culture.

www.thebeatwithin.org